Orochimaru: What a evil mastermind must go through
by Suzuki LT Z250
Summary: Reality TV settles in...and all chaos resumes. Orochimaru, living his life out, is burdened with a Kabuto, a Snoo, and a Evil evilness. Oro's ghetto.
1. Coffee doomed to suffer thee

Disclaimer for the feds: I am an American girl who has an IQ of 6 and has no relations with Japan or any Japanese manga artists. That means I do not own Naruto.

Maru: Please dont ask me about other fics. I'm multitasking!

Mizumi: I'm actually apart of this authorization for once. MIZUMI IS BACK!

Areru: I'm helping too! I love Sasuke!

Maru: I ran out of ideas.....sorry. Theys gonna help.

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Orochimaru: Well well....It seems that the coffee machine is broken....Kabuto?

Kabuto: /Walks in nonchalantly and rubs his eyes. He yawns loudly as a way of saying 'I heard you.' He groggily saunters over to the broken coffee dispenser./ ...When was the last time I cleaned it? /Kabuto's eyes grow heavy and shut, as he looks over at his bossman who is pissed./

Orochimaru: /Unseemingly enraged by that last comment./ Is it MY job to keep track of your chores?

Kabuto: No.

Orochimaru: Is it MY job to make MY coffee in the morning?

Kabuto: No. But when I'm on my vacation...wait. No.

Orochimaru: Uh-huh. /In an effect of drowsiness, the snake man sees that he must rush to the point. Then yell about getting his decaf./ And is it MY job to clean out the coffee maker?

Kabuto: No. /Opens his eyes to a bed-head pale man with firey eyes and no eye shadow. Should he back talk? Kabuto realized it was too early in the morning for this. So... he found a solution!/ I'll fix the coffee maker! /And tiredly he pointed at the machine./

Orochimaru: Good. /Relieved to hear those words, he floats out of the kitchen and through the house to the upstairs bathroom./ I shall take my morning shower. When I come out, I expect my coffee! No slacking! /Orochimaru stepped into the bathroom and shut the door./

Kabuto: Fine, fine. /He started fiddling with the coffee maker while muttering profanitys only to find there was mold in the coffee filter. He took out a sponge and after a few minutes the coffee maker was fixed/ Now all I need to do is make the coffee... /He looked in the cupboard and took out the coffee, still muttering profanitys. It wasn't decaf. All they had was French vanilla, the sworn coffee enemy of the enemy of Konoha. Kabuto glanced around quickly to the bathroom and tossed the coffee into the pot, getting ready for Orochimaru./

Orochimaru: /Singing in the shower/

Kabuto: Why did I ever agree to join him? If there's one thing he's bad at, it's singing. /Shivers/ !!!!!!! Kareoke is coming up too! Shit!

Orochimaru: /Whispering/ I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Orochimaru: /Waltzes out of the bathroom dripping wet and in a satin robe with little green and yellow snakes on it. He seems relaxed and poised, 'slithering' around barefooted on the tile./ Is my coffee ready? /Happily he called. Ah, in the midst of mornings, he felt good./

Kabuto: /Dishes out a inconspicuous glare./ Yes....

Orochimaru: /Dances into the kitchen, making the tails of his robe fly upwards. Scary./ Is it MY job to pour the coffee? /Oro spat this out evily. Noone shall ruin his morning!/

Kabuto: No. /Takes out the mug and sluggishly pours the steaming hot java into a care bears mug. Then, walks off without a word./

Orochimaru: Whats his problem? /Takes in a hearty chug of java unknowingly.../ WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU FORGOT THE CREAM! Wait a minute.... THIS ISN'T DECAF!

Kabuto: /Hurries into the bathroom and locks the door. While being scared, he hops into the shower with his clothes on./

Orochimaru: Oh... So that's how my pet is... /Silently sneaks to the down stairs bathroom. What shall he do?/

Toilet: /Flushes ever so loudly./

Kabuto: La de DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWOOOOO! /Screaming bloody murder. Why? The ol' hot water trick! He hurriedly rushed out of the tub./

Orochimaru: /Sinisterly laughs/ It's what you get for--? /He starts to turn blue and his eyes bright red. Next, he swells up like a kitty and starts to thrash around like a deer who got shot in the stomach./

Kabuto: ORO?! /Rushes over to him but is knocked down by the beloated berry./ Oh god! I must save him!

Orochimaru: /Falls down and rolls out of the kitchen, only to bump into the reptile tank holding Snoo, the pet Bermise python./

Snoo: /Looks at his daddy, confused. 'Why does he look like a berry?' he thought. He flicked his tongue out to taste the air. 'French Vanilla...? Oh no! Oro-sama's allergic to vanilla! Save him, mommy, save him!'/

Kabuto: /Adjusts his glasses and performs hand seals./ ...What? It's not working! My medical jutsu's wont even touch him! Crap! Think, Kabuto, think. What would Tsunade-chan do? /Thinks...and thinks. And thinks again. No ideas.../ Ack! I gotta get him away from the snake tank! /The poor spy tries to pull his master away from the tank but Snoo wraps around Orochimaru's arm, like he's hugging him to death./

Snoo: /'SAVE HIM! SAVE HIM! Hiss...hiss! SAVE DADDY, MOMMY!'/

Kabuto: /Mad/ I am NOT your mom, Snoo.

Snoo: /'That's not what Oro-sama said! SAVE HIM!'/

Orochimaru: /Rolls around the entire house and out the sliding glass doors, actually, rather through the sliding glass doors. Ker-Spoolsh! He's in the pool!/

Kabuto: /Runs out of door frames. Sees the catastrophy. /Shit. Not good. I gotta get him out before he drowns. Now where was that life saver? /Looks around and no avail./ Shit. I gotta remeber what I learned from Junior Lifegaurds...One...Two...Three! /Jumps in to the rescue!/

Orochimaru: /Thrashes. He's not blue anymore-he's purple./

Kabuto: /Thrashes/

Snoo: /Wont let go/

Kabuto: /Blub blub glug!/ I...Cant breathe!

Snoo: /'Just think how Daddy feels!'/

--i love nonpoint you should too-- --i love nonpoint you should too-- --i love nonpoint you should too-- --somebody cut off yo head!--

/'The room is dark...Or atleast till you open your eyes....Wait... What's that white light...?'/

-------------------end-----o-----1-------------------!

Maru: That's it for now. I'll clean it up in chapter two. Also...a new style of writing!

Mizumi: Everybody fear for your lives!


	2. My gawd its short!

Maru: damn its been so long!  
Mizumi: shut up.  
----ibiki is ibiking----snore means snore-----

Kabuto: Looks around room to only see nothing but white. Where is he? Where was his master? Where was snoo? All he could see was the white walls of the infirmary and the sign that said 'Quiet.' "Ugh....Oro?" Kabuto started to get worried.

???: I WANT MY GODDAMN PAIN KILLERS! GIMMIE MY MORPHINE!

Kabuto: "I...I know that voice.....Orochimaru?" Kabuto swiveled his aching head arounf to the left only to find Oro-san sprawled out all over the nurse and strangling her---I mean, him to death. He's....CHEATING ON ME WITH THE NURSE!!!

Nurse: GAH! LET ME GO MASTER OROCHI-SAMA! STOP PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!

Kabuto: T-T! He left me....Wait! That poor poor nurse....

Dosu: LET...ME GO! Since he's having a hard time getting his sensei's hands of his almost non-existant throat, he's having a hard time talking. KABUTOOOOOO! GET HIM OFF! Okay..maybe he can talk a bit...

Kabuto: .  
-  
Maru: if ya want more, let meh know! 


	3. Hospical Nipple Kaboom

Disclaimer: If I were a lawyer I'd have a big billboard out on I-95 sayin how I am a copyright-infarction, illegal theft (invovling copyrights and such) and I'd even support fanfictionists. Thou does not own thee. TheeNaruto and Snoo. 

Warning: ... dances with a inflatable pina colada  
Maru: Thank you for the reviews! I am continuing this fic atleast.  
------------------------My throne aint the toliet, It's a sand castle------------------------

Kabuto: "Ugh!" /Walks out in disgust. Where shall he go? Well there's this board with the patients' names and such on them. He sees the name 'WhateverOro-moo'slastnameis, Snoo'./ "Might as well go see him..." /Walks off./ 

Doctor (In Snoo's room--the ER)/Scratches head/ "He looks critical..." 

Nurse: "CLEAR!" /Shocks the snake with a defibulator./ "CLEAR!" /repeats action./ 

Kabuto: OO "SNOO!" 

Snoo/Twitches insanely/ 

Doctor: "...Does he have insurance?" 

Nurse: "He belongs to that big pervert man...um...Orthopeemary was it?" 

Kabuto: "OROCHIMARU! O-R-O-C-H-I-M-A-R-U! Not Orthochiblahblah. That's as bad as Wookie." 

Doctor/Glares./ "Do NOT dis Chubaka. Does this guy have insurance?" /Points to 'patient'/ 

Nurse: "I have a question...Is he a guy or girl? I mean...It is a snake..." 

Kabuto: "A MALE! HE IS A MALE!" /Points to Snoo's lower region/ "MALE! And yes! We have insurance!" 

Doctor/chews bubble gum/ "Uh-huh. Well mister, your son is in critical condition." 

Kabuto: OO "No..." /gaspeths/ 

Doctor/Dramatic/ "Yes, ma'am...He has...CANCER!" /Blows bubble/ 

Nurse/Shocks the doc/ "Drop it. Snoo's out cold." -- 

Heart monitor: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP... 

Kabuto: T-T "Orochimaru will NOT like this..." /Walks back to his master's room./ 

----------------------------------- 

Voice 1: "Stick it in my ass." 

Voice 2: "I am NOT going to stick this in your ass. Give me your arm!" 

Orochimaru: "Would you just stick it in my ass? "/Moons Nurse Dosu/ 

Dosu: pokes eyes repeativly with syringe/ "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!" 

Orochimaru: "Not your eyes... ME. Stick ME." /points to butt/ 

Dosu/Throws needle at his master/ "IM OUTTA HERE!" /runs into someone./ "OW! MOVE MOVE!" 

Someone: "...mrf..." 

Dosu: "Wha---WEHOAS! "/gaspeths/ 

Itachi/Walks off, glares. No wait...HES RUNNING! RUN BOY! RUUUUUUUUUUN/ 

Kisame: "He fell into a wasps nest and then an ant hill." 

Dosu: Ohhhhhhhhhh... /RUNS! RUN RUN RUNS/ "SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE PALE BUTT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" 

Orochimaru/mumbles/ "I know where all 3 of you live." /Jabs needle in arm/ "Ahhhhhhh... morphine...!" 

Kabuto/strolls in...looks around...sits on bed...pulls out ponytail.../ "Sigh..." 

Orochimaru: "Where is our son?" 

Kabuto: "Huh? Were you talking to me?" 

Orochimaru/Glares./ "No, slave-pet-chan, I was talking to you're sexy fine ass. WHAT DO YOU THINK?" 

Kabuto: "...Okay... Snoo? He is um...!" 

Orochimaru/On top of Kabuto/ "WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON?" /Grr./ 

Kabuto:"ICUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" 

Orochimaru/Kisses him./ 

(I bet you're thinking WHOA. Mood swing...must be PMS!) 

Nurse/walks in./ "Oh my... DOCTOR! We need some ketamine in here! QUICK!" 

Doc. Johnny: "50cc Ketamine ASAP!" /does Superman shit./ 

Orochimaru/mmmmmmmmmm/ 

Kabuto/ooooohhhhhhhhhhh/ 

Doc. Johnny/takes pcitures./ "Homicidal maniac kisses 3 year old baby. I can see it now." 

Orochimaru/Tongue is out of his mouth, eshplorin' his prize./ 

Kabuto/Blushes./ 

--------------------------------------------------------sick!------------------------------------------------- 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the hospital... 

Dosu/Wrapped in straightjacket./ "I'm tellin' ya he MOONED me!" /T-T/ 

Kin: Seriously? That is so the pedophile. What's he doing in the hospital? 

Zuko: "...I heard he was trying to nurse Snoo and Snoo bit his nipple off." 

D + K/OO/ 

Homicidal maniac random patient Suki: "Is this pedophile you speak of the kage of Sound?" 

Zuko/nods./ "What is it to you?" 

Homicidal maniac Suki: "I have to tell you------" 

/"MOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Mmmmmmmmm AHHHHHH!"/ 

Dosu/Thrashes insanely. His straight jacket tightens and he chokes but manages to spit out words. Poor dude...no really...Poor Dosu./ "He's fucking Kabuto again/Jealousy/ STOOP DOING IT IN PUBLIC!" /Thrashes against the wall, making a loud sound./ 

Snoo/Slithers by with a fuck-you-I-rule attitude./ "HISS!" (trans: REALLY!) 

Kin: "Let's go visit Orochi and bust him out of here!" 

Zuko/Dahses off./ "FOLLOW ME!" 

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Orochimaru/Fixes Hospital gown." That was great... Shigh.." 

Kabuto/X-x/ "For you, master, my ass shall hurt for your pleasure." 

Doc Johhny + Nurse/Fresh carcasses! Orochimaru must have killed them while knocking up Kabuto! Go oro/ 

Orochimaru: "Ima destroy this place because I can. Then I'll go home and start harrassing young boys." 

Everyone in the audience: MICHAEL JACKSON!

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Tadaaaaaaaaaa The end! I hope you enjoyed it! Soon to be continued! 


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